My Journey Back to Self
I came out of the closet to the few close friends and family that I invited to our wedding last month, of which most were attending online. I thought that would be a great starting point for me. No need to come out to the world just yet… I mean who really needs to know. My personal life and sexual preference is none of nobody’s business. And then I decided to join a few groups on social media that were LGBTQ+ focused, so I could be a part of a community and even reach out for support if I needed to.
One group I’m a part of posted a question that completely rocked my world. The questions was “What is your current occupation? What do you love most about it?” I started to write my ‘elevator pitch’ that I always have readily available to share within networking groups or groups such as this where someone asks the golden question. This was my response “I’m a yoga teacher, spiritual life coach and retreat leader. I help beautiful Soul’s overcome what’s blocking them from stepping into their life’s purpose. I love walking along side people as they begin to spiritually awaken and fully step into their true selves”.
I had to reread it a few times, and then it hit me “fully step into their true selves”. Really?! Is this what I do?! Cause what kind of life coach am I if I am not living my true self?! Am I a fraud?! Am I living in the dark?! The last two blogs I wrote were the first proclamations of me ‘coming out of the closet’. And I only did that because I knew that if I got married, the friends and family that are close to me would disown me for not telling them I was in such a serious relationship, let alone getting married. So I figured I’d share my story with the few. My blog followers and audience are not that big and no one would even know there was a blog published unless I shared it with them directly. So I figured I was safe. But there was something eating away inside of me that whispered in my ear that I was living a lie, and that’s not who I am, who I want to be nor what I build my business upon.
Being my true authentic self means that I am unapologetic about who I am, and who I love. It means, I don’t worry about that others think of me. It means, I do not keep who I am hidden from the world. Infact, the last group coaching program I hosted, came up with a list.
Number one, if I’m being honest, I was scared of what people would think. I’ve only been know as being heterosexual. But really though, why should my sexual preference be a discussion I need to have or even explain to people, but that is what I did. I made one phone call at a time. Was everyone I talked to on board, the vast majority were. It did come at a cost. I did lose some people along the way. Does it suck, yes! You want all of your family and friends to a part of your support system, but in reality that may not happen. Did it break my heart, absolutely. But honestly, I’m moving on, I have to for my own sake. I used to be the conservative Christain who believed that what I was taught was bond. God hates same sex relationships, and those who engage in them are going straight to hell.
I’d always had gay friends, and respected their choice. But I would “never“ entertain the thought of a same sex relationship personally. Over the years, as I continued to awaken, I slowly let that ridiculous belief go. Do we really know where people go when they die? No! And any human who would claim to “know” this for sure, is most likely still alive, and therefore has no fucking clue or proof. But this is why I’ve suppressed so much in life. The programming I was taught kept me shackled. But once I began to take control of my own mind, think for myself, follow my own path of enlightenment, the confusion and ignorance faded away, and I began to shed light in my dark places in life. And I began to light the path of my own truth.
The truth is, I’ve fantasized over men and women, but women were never something I’d ever take action on. My wife (omg I have a wife) is the first and God willing the last woman I’ll be with. She is the one who kicked the door down, broke the chains and pulled me out of my darkness. I’ll forever be grateful for her. Her twenty plus years of being out, has help me in inexplicable ways. Her support, love, courage and patience with me as I navigate this new world and relationship has been the breath of fresh air and new found freedom that I didn’t know I needed.
I remember the first time I felt truly free years ago when I left religion and started down a more spiritually enlightened path. I felt like I could fly. And that is still true today, but this new freedom I am living, is a whole other level. There is not a day that goes by when I haven’t learned something else about myself that I was suppressing. Is it all fun and games, unicorns and rainbows, definitely not. There are some moments of ‘WTF am I doing?’. But the majority, are filled with moments of inexplicable happiness and bliss. When I look into my wife’s eyes, I am transported into another world, where time and space don’t matter and we are the only ones that exist. And when I look at our family, I am reminded of the dreams I’d always had of being a wife and mother. And God has blessed me with both. Is our little family perfect, not by any means, we are perfectly imperfect. Loving and learning from each other, one precious moment at a time.
I was the eternal single women, with a laundry list of broken relationships, and even a broken marriage (from a man) under my belt. And now, at the ripe age of 48, I have found love, come out the the closet, been taken off the market, and I couldn’t be more in awe of God’s favor and blessing. Finding love at this age, at any age for that matter, is an accomplishment. Finding your soul mate, is next level. Building a home and a family is a dream come true. I’m still learning, still growing, still finding my way, enjoying the journey and all the ups and downs it has to bring.
My wife and I celebrated our one month marriage anniversary earlier this month. We decided to take a last minute trip into the city, to watch the Christmas parade. And she surprised me, and took me to a gay dance club that night. Ya’ll dont get it, I love to dance, my wife does not. But with me, she does. We each do things with each other, because the love is so deep. I had the biggest smile on my face the entire night. And my love for her grew a little more, as it does every day that goes by. This is our first Christmas together, and I couldn’t be more overjoyed. I’m usually with my birth family back in the states, or at a friends house celebrating with their family. But this year, I finally have my own little family to celebrate with, and we’re headed to the inlaws this weekend.
I wI just hosted the last workshop for this year, on manifesting your soulmate, love, success, etc. I had such a great time! I got to share a little about my journey to manifesting my own soulmate, and the life I have in Costa Rica. I feel so honored to do the work I have been called to do. I want my life to be an example of living your true self. I want my work to help people who need to shine a light on their own dark places. And I want my family to build a future together, so we can help beautiful souls heal while on their own journey of life. In the workshop, I shared our goals for manifestation in the coming year; a larger home so that we can host retreats, where my wife can do her magic in the kitchen, and I can do mine in the yoga studio. And with the way things are going, I have no doubt that it shall come to pass. And maybe, just maybe, one day we’ll see you in Costa Rica.
In the mean time,
We wish you happy holidays, peace, love and blessings, from our family to yours :)
Did you miss the last few blogs? Click here: https://www.yougotmel.org/blog
Did you miss the manifestation workshop? Get the “How to manifest your heart’s desires” guide I created, for free when you sign up for the Chakralogy: Healing Your Divine Energy group program, starting January 9. Click here for more info: https://forms.gle/R4c4Vqb6GTxsa3dw6
PS - Check out my 2022 highlights video to see "How it started vs How it's going"